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I really enjoy pornography, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. I think most people like porn, even the women (and sometimes men) who adamantly deny it. It's nature to want to see two (or more) other humans fornicating. Even chimpanzees like porn, according to a study I skimmed, but all I could really think about while I was reading is that some scientist had to film chimp porn to facilitate his experiment. That's pretty disgusting, but it does prove my point: pornography is objectively fantastic.

No matter what kind of mood I'm in when I sit down to masturbate, I tend to go for obscene porn: interracial and threesomes and sadomasochism and gangbangs and twins and really any combination of consenting adult men one can imagine. I don't do any of that stuff in real life. I'm a caucasian cisgendered homosexual man living in a New York suburb with my caucasian husband and two adopted daughters who are sisters-by-blood. I go to work every day, and I have been told by my husband's friends that I am quite boring.

Well. They didn't say that to my face. They said that to my husband when he was my boyfriend, and my eventually-husband told me that was why he liked me. "I need an anchor, you know?" I think being an anchor (and catering to my husband's rather gentle bedroom needs) grants me a pass to titillate myself with a bit deviance when I get my alone time.

I also make most of the money working as an estate attorney, while my husband works at a medical supplies distribution company. He has a very fancy title that can be boiled down to "glorified secretary with a meager salary," but he works more hours than I do on a daily basis, and when I got home on Tuesday, I had exactly one hour before the bus dropped off my younger daughter. My oldest comes home after my husband because she's very involved in athletics, so she was the farthest from my mind.

We only have one computer, and it resides in my office. I went through the usual preparations after wiggling the mouse to wake up the monitor: I stripped down so I was only wearing socks, closed and locked the door as an afterthought, and sat down, warming the leather upholstery of the office chair. I never think about what I want to watch beforehand; I just browse the password protected history until something catches my eye and scroll through the site's newest videos.

I was plenty used to seeing my husband's share of history (typical blond beefcake stuff), but something different caught my eye: blonde teen gets down with her nasty teacher. I stared at the feminine spelling of blonde and worried for a moment that my husband might be having second thoughts about his sexuality. He had never shown signs of bisexuality, not even the slightest bit, and when he rarely spoke about his experiences with women (the inevitable teenage fumblings before he'd come out of the closet), he went on tangents about why vaginas were "grotesque" and breasts were "unacceptable sacks of fat." Still, I worried, and when I clicked on the link, I worried more because that "nasty teacher" turned out to also be a woman.

Thoroughly unaroused and too anxious to make myself tea, I dressed and paced the office. It was thirty minutes until my younger daughter was supposed to be home, but I heard the door open and glanced out to find my eldest shucking off her coat and dropping her backpack on the floor. I called out to her, "You need to put that away, Anna."

Anna is a beautiful African American girl who recently turned sixteen. She's on the thick side but possesses a model's face and posture so wrought with confidence it's impossible to ignore her. When we adopted her, she was seven years old and her sister was a baby. She was shy at first, unsure of her new home, but she warmed up to me quickly. I don't have a favorite, but Anna and I have always had more to talk about, while Leah is her other daddy's girl. Anna smiled sheepishly and did as she was told but asked, "Are you okay? You're fidgeting."

Case in point: Anna knows my nervous habits better than I do. I laughed and tried to wave her off, one hand wrapped around the mug she had bought me last Mother's Day as a joke that still made me roll my eyes. "It's nothing for you to be concerned about, sweetheart. Why're you home so early?"

"Practice was canceled. Coach went into labor, bit of a setback." She turned to me after her things were in the closet. "Seriously, daddy. You're kind of freaking me out. What's up?"

I took a steadying breath and stilled, but I noticed I was tapping my foot and sighed away my effort. "It's really nothing... just worried about your father."

"Did something happen?" Her doe eyes went wide, and she added before I could speak. "I mean, something serious? You two are okay, right? I know you've been arguing a lot, but you really love each other and I think—"

"No, no. Nothing like that." I knew it might be something like that, but the arguments she was thinking of were mostly about my husband wanting to quit his job to stay at home. (To clarify, I wasn't opposed to it, but I knew he would be unhappy, and he seemed to think my concern for that was presumptuous and overbearing). "It's about something private between us."

"If it's anything about your marriage, it concerns me and Leah, too." She scuttled forward and hugged me. "Daddy, seriously, what's wrong? You're still fidgeting."

I played with one of her braids—which she had just gotten done with the wages from her parttime job, including caramel streaks my husband had been very opposed to—and admitted, "I think he might be having thoughts about other people, and it's really something that we need to settle between ourselves."

I assumed the mention of anything even remotely relating to sex would deter her, but she pulled away to look at me instead. Her face screwed into an expression I can't quite define, something caught between nervousness, curiosity, and horror. "Why would you think that?"

"Just some stuff I saw on the computer."

"Like, e-mails?" Shifting my weight, I shook my head. She stared until she got the message from my silence. "Oh. Uh."

"Yeah. I told you, it's between us."

Anna nodded slowly, but she had something else to say. Like she knew my habits, I knew hers: her lips went thin, she knitted her eyebrows, and she twirled one braid then two then three, twisting them together. She rocked from heel to toe and said, "If it's about the lesbian stuff, uh the... you know... that's uh, mine."

Her voice was barely a whisper, little more than an absent exhalation that her lungs passed like any other. She met my eyes and then quickly looked at the carpet, and I realized: everyone likes pornography, and my daughter is pubescent, and she'd already told me she was at least "bi-curious," and she really likes blondes, and I felt a certain combination of parental disgust and spousal relief that is difficult to describe. If I had to give it a name, I would call it, "Oh. Okay."

My daughter looked at the rug, looked at me once more, and then went to her room. I didn't see her again until dinner, which was less awkward than I expected, but the next week I bought her a laptop of her own, calling it an early birthday present. It's a Macbook Air, like she requested as soon as she had seen the flashy advertisements, and she thanked me with a wide grin full of white teeth and an embarrassed flush. While she's the only woman I would by tampons for (temporarily disregarding Leah because she thankfully doesn't need them yet and I am still dreading that day), certain things are best kept password protected and separated, like I'm sure the chimpanzee scientist kept that chimp porn.

I also bought a new office chair.
*FuzzyHoser requested more humor. i am complying.

i am not going to put a warning on this because there isn't really anything explicit.

my critique on Adieu by *ColinSydney: [link]


CRITIQUE QUESTIONS
-is the narrator's voice believable?
-are there any places that felt too rushed?
-is the humor natural or does it feel stilted in any places?
-while this is supposed to be humorous, were the characters realistic enough to sympathize with?
-anything else? odd syntax, diction, etc?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
Love the voice! :) Humor feels natural. Can't say got a sense things were too rushed, and generally the pacing worked fine for me. It was humorous without distancing us from the characters. It is late & I am severely jet-lagged, but didn't notice anything terribly amiss syntax-wise etc.

Sorry for a generally useless comment. But well done!
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013
thank you!
Reply
:iconvainamoinenian:
Vainamoinenian Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I have to say that I began reading this by accident (my finger pressed the 'right' arrow on keyboard while I was trying to read the work before this) and the very beginning of your story got me curious; you don't expect the story with the name "Browsing history" to begin with the line "I really enjoy pornography" :D I liked the mood of it, and the pacing seemed fine with me. Now your questions.

Question 1: Is the narrator's voice believable?
I'll just say that after having read this story and before looking at the critique questions I strongly believed this was an extract from your life and that you indeed was a homosexual married man with two daughters (I don't have anything against homosexuals, in case you are :B) :D So I guess, yes, it is believable.

Question 2: are there any places that felt too rushed?
I personally don't think so. The pacing fit me perfectly, and if I had to say something about it, I'd probably say something like it's too long and chewed up (though it isn't) than rushed :)

Question 3:is the humor natural or does it feel stilted in any places?
The humour was great. It was entwined in the story in a casual manner and felt real, and natural. And some lines were just too good and made me smile like the mothers' day present :)

Question 4:while this is supposed to be humorous, were the characters realistic enough to sympathize with?
Same answer as for the Question 1.

Question 5: anything else...
I only noticed one thing while reading this. In the pre-last paragraph at the end I believe it should be " If I had to give it a name, I would call it, "Oh. Okay."
Other than that, nothing else caught my eye :)

Good work, I liked this piece a lot! You've got a nice style.
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
thank you! and i will fix that P:
Reply
:iconvainamoinenian:
Vainamoinenian Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) You're welcome
Reply
:iconcreativity-squared:
Creativity-Squared Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Student General Artist
I found this piece to be pretty funny and of high quality. You seem to write well in the first person, and if I were you I would stick to that style. Your narrator is funny, and your plot has a good twist to it. Now to the questions...

1.) The narrator's voice is believable, at least in my view. The generalization about men (and I've met men like this) is that they really like porn. The narrator fits this to a tee as he tells the reader his story about his porn habits. At first, I thought that this was just going to be about porn and not really have a plot, but as I continued to read I was happy to see this wasn't the case.

2.) The only place that I found this to be too rushed is the time period between him finding the lesbian porn and his daughter walking in the door. I feel as though the narrator's feelings about this porn could be explored a little more in-depth, and his surprise as she walked in could also be expanded a bit as well.

3.) The humor is natural--the comedy of this story sneaks up on you very quickly and hits the reader very nicely. I see no problems with the way you injected your story with humor.

4.) Anna and the unnamed narrator (would it be worth it to name the narrator or do you want him unnamed? Up to you) are very realistic, and I could imagine this unfolding in my mind pretty well.

5.) I'm a self-proclaimed grammar nazi, so I did go through your story looking for grammar errors. The only thing I am going to nitpick is that I suggest you make the title of the lesbian porn the narrator finds capitalized and in quotes. That's just to make the story seem more realistic.

Keep on writing, and have a great day!
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
thank you :heart:

i kept the narrator unnamed because i imagined this as him relaying the story on some sort of forum P: that, and i imagine he'd be a bit embarrassed to include it.
Reply
:iconcreativity-squared:
Creativity-Squared Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Student General Artist
I'd bet he would be. :bucktooth:
Reply
:icongoldfish-in-space:
Goldfish-In-Space Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012   Writer
This piece is hilarious! I love it!

The one thing that caught on me was the last line; the way it's penned in makes it seem like an afterthought and kind of second ending to the piece. I would play with expanding upon or outright removing it.
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012
mmm, i feel like it's the punchline; expanding it would cheapen it and removing it doesn't really. work because it's what the piece culminates to. because the joke is, he got the chair because obviously she's been uh, viewing in it.

maybe i'll find another way to word it.
Reply
:icongoldfish-in-space:
Goldfish-In-Space Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012   Writer
Hm. I don't think the 'punchline' aspect comes off quite right, then.

Maybe a bit broader exploration (ie, more than one website) of the suspicious lesbian porn would make it more obvious that she has in fact been viewing. More mention of his habits in the same chair would make the situation pop a bit better. It's weird and awkward, and with that highlighted just a little more I think the punchline would read that way.

Yeah, maybe playing around with the wording would help, too. If you don't come to anything you like better, you can always keep it the same.
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012
i'll think about it P: i mean, she does confess to the viewing of that one and using the chair once is pretty squicky enough.

i might draw out his ritual a little bit more. i think that would cut it.
Reply
:icongoldfish-in-space:
Goldfish-In-Space Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012   Writer
That would probably do it, yeah. :3

The line of too much/not enough is always so thin with humour.
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012
i know! especially when you're working with something like this. i don't want to transgress the line of "sitcom."
Reply
:icongoldfish-in-space:
Goldfish-In-Space Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012   Writer
yeah, that wouldn't really do it justice.
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012
i'll let you know when i touch it up P:
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(1 Reply)
:icondwkeiko:
dwkeiko Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think the humor wasn't forced, very natural...
Great work! :D
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012
thank you!
Reply
:icondwkeiko:
dwkeiko Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome! :D
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, I do like this :)
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012
thank you!
Reply
:iconjaguaran:
jaguaran Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
LOLING
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
heee
Reply
:iconkatrinamar13:
katrinamar13 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is so good. I am impressed.
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
thank you! and thank you for the :+fav:!
Reply
:iconlittle-supernova:
little-supernova Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's cute in a realistic way. I do like the humor, it's spot on. You're so good at this!
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconstitchpunkz:
stitchpunkz Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
Humour is good
It's definitely good

This is so different from you
But still you
And that's nice
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
i write humor, and it hides on my computer forever. i have another humorous piece in my gallery (two inches is the title if you want to find it) but uh generally i don't humor.
Reply
:iconstitchpunkz:
stitchpunkz Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
will these humorous pieces ever come out of hiding?

and thanks, I'll take a look
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
depends, i'm sprucing some of them up.
Reply
:iconprideofpanem:
PrideofPanem Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Student General Artist
Blah. I cannot write prose worth anything, so I'm totes jelly of your skills. :P
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012
haha, thank you. i definitely don't consider humor my strongpoint, but i'm glad you enjoyed it.
Reply
:iconprideofpanem:
PrideofPanem Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Student General Artist
lol- prose is not my strong point in general. I did write you a whole story to birds, but it was so terrible I wrote the story instead, and decided to commit it to my dead Nanowrimo project.
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012
haha, i did like your poem x)

i actually think poetry is harder to write! but everyone has their own difficulties, haha.
Reply
:iconprideofpanem:
PrideofPanem Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Student General Artist
Poetry= easy
But I guess you're right.
I just feel like poetry is too easy/ won't get me anywhere I want to go.
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You are too good to me, Jorge. :D
This is fantastic! Hahaha.. Really, I think you're one of my two favorite prose writers on dA.

This is funny, but it's also so true to life. You're so good with creating whole characters. :la:
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012
thank you so much, haha :heart:

(i might have cheated and worked with a scrap i already had lying around but shhhh ;))
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:

(I find nothing wrong with that method as long as I'm getting what I want.) ;P
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012
(good it is my method for most requests haha. i always appreciate requests because they give me ideas for my hundreds of scraps sjfklsdf)
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hmmm....I'mma have to get requesty then, eh? :)
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012
go right ahead haha
Reply
:icontridentmeister:
TridentMeister Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh....wow. this was actually kinda funny....nice work!
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012
thank you!
Reply
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