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:iconglossolalias: More from glossolalias


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January 30, 2013
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even our plastic flowers had faded—
an overgrown garden of concrete and pottery,
wrought-iron furniture under the sunlight, paling—
a broken lawnmower in a rotting wood shed, a swingset
creaking with each gust of wind—

but she said—
let's gather up these old tin cans,
empty the pool of its stagnant memory,
relight the candles and mend this picnic table,
recall the laughter we shared here when
our summer was in bloom—

when mother wore that sky blue dress
and planted shiny pinwheels,
lazily spinning
with permission, i stole an unused hook from *xlntwtch's story, which you can find here: [link]

#7

also inspired by: [link]

:iconglory-be-project:
january 30th
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Jul 23, 2013  Student Writer
Dear Jorge,

Stop being so incredible.
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Jul 27, 2013  Student Writer
Srsly. You're too good. 
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:iconcrossing-ariel:
Really beautiful and sad. I like how you took the line and ran with it. This feels like the sort of stuff I've been dreaming lately.
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:iconglossolalias:
thank you so much!
Reply
:iconalmcdermid:
almcdermid Jun 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really like the imagery, but I particularly the progression; the decay of the first stanza, the willingness to see things in a better light in second, leading to the brief memory in the third. Excellent work.

A couple editorial suggestions (which of course you're free to ignore): I think "THE rotting wood shed, THE swingset" would work better that "a" since you're obviously speaking of a specific place ("our plastic flowers," "the swimming pool"). And "the" is grammatically stronger in this case.

I think "stagnant memories" would be stronger than "stagnant memory".

Finally, I'd delete the "dizzy" and the comma after "spinning" and leave open-ended by having no punctuation.

Anyway, that's my take.
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:iconglossolalias:
thank you for the suggestions! i agree with everything except changing the "a"s to "the"s b/c that was done intentionally to provide an emotionally detached tone w/ the original description of the area.
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:iconalmcdermid:
almcdermid Feb 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Okay, I'm glad something was helpful. (Sorry for the delay in answering.)
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:iconvioletense:
violetense Feb 19, 2013  Student Writer
even our plastic flowers had faded
That could stand alone as a six-word story.
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