this

you told me you didn't think
so many breaths had ever passed your lips,
that your lungs never ached like this,
and your heart pounded like hummingbirds
trapped in the cavity of your chest,
their little wings against your ribs,
your eyes in the reflection of mine—


and i told you, firstly, i don't believe in love
or superstition or happiness or anything besides
dimming lights, the color of your faded sheets,
and the sweat on my palms—


when we kiss, i name the chemicals
that make me press closer and think of my nerves
lighting up like christmas, and i take the pulse of my blood
to yours, and yours is faster because you're older


not because you're in love
not because this is tender


because these feelings can be replicated';
i read once that cocaine
is physiologically identical—


don't take this personally,
don't look at me like you're hurting;
these feelings are the conception of biology,
the oxytocin, adrenaline, dopamine—


a hand over mine and you squeeze;
so many heaving sighs to catch my strength,
and your chest is broad,
your hair is blond and curly,
you're wilting, you're staring,
you're shutting your eyes—


and so many breaths have never passed my lips,
so many birds have never flown into my mouth
and taken residence in my chest:
it's catalyzed reactions, it's faulty,
it's a misconception of reality,
but i—


can't speak when i look at you.