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The idea of this is absolutely beautiful. I envisioned the story as I read it, and I must say, this would be a wonderful short film. It's not an entirely original idea (there were many cliches evoked, such as the out-of-place-but-beautiful stranger and the innocent-teddy-bear-wielding little girl) but I didn't find that to be too much of an issue, because the way you composed everything was intriguing.

My biggest issue with this story is technique. I am going to begin by saying that the length does not do this story justice; it seems like you're summarizing an event rather than telling a story, and that is reinforced by how many details you tell rather than show. For example, "by the graffiti stained walls of a ghetto parking lot." Rather than telling me the parking lot is "ghetto," you could have gone on to describe that state of it to imply what sort of neighborhood it resides in. Is there trash on the ground? What's the pavement look like? What store is it in front of? What time of year is it? What are the smells, the sounds? Is this in a city? What city? What's the girl's teddy bear look like? Her clothes, her hair? All of these details (and more) would bring more life to the story and eliminate the need for some of the simpler sentences and superfluous descriptive words bogging down the story.

On the subject of too many words: the impact of what the Angel says is dampened by the fact you choose to have him say so much. I can glean from the title, his presence, etcetera what he is doing there. ""I'm the person you go to if He finds it is time to bring you home," on its own would be much more powerful.

There are also places where your voice is too passive; for example, let's take a look at the first sentence. "He was just standing there, by the graffiti stained walls of a ghetto parking lot." That could just as easily read, "He stood beside the graffiti-stained walls," without losing any of its meaning. (I cut out the rest of the sentence because as previously stated, I think it would do you good to expand your descriptions rather than keep the tell-not-show style you've established here).

Finally, the last scene would be greatly aided by expanding it. Right now, I didn't feel much for the mother or the daughter because I don't know anything about them; they're faceless, nameless, and the girl's death is riddled with cliche descriptions. If you really took the time to paint the picture, it would be far more powerful.

A couple more stylistic issues that are of less overall consequence:

"twenty-two" should be hyphenated

"her eldest cheerleader sister" reads awkwardly. Personally, I would just omit 'cheerleader.' It's an unnecessary detail because it doesn't tell me anything about the girl, her family, or how she feels about her sister.

"like a Roman god painting" is an awkward phrase that I would eliminate and replace with a description more relevant to the Christian mythos for the sake of unity.

Overall, this is a story with great potential suffering from a poor application of technique. Really, if you slowed down the pacing, took your time with descriptions, gave the little girl and her mother more depth, and cut out passive wording, this could be something great because the vision is absolutely stunning. Really, really focus on pacing: This story zips past before the reader has a chance to feel anything.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
13 out of 14 deviants thought this was fair.


Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so much, darling jorge, for providing me with such a detailed critique! Looks I have some editing to get to! :eager:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
you're welcome :heart: feel free to send me the piece when you've revised it!
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012   General Artist
I most certainly shall then, thanks again! :heart:
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